No, no, no, I am not pregnant. However, I am sick of breastfeeding nazis and their propoganda, and I am especially sick of men who think they have a say in whether or not women should breastfeed. I am also sick of people constructing women who do not want to breastfeed as evil (yes, I am looking at you breastfeeding advocacy groups).

Listen, my breasts are my own. Yes, that is selfish, perhaps. But you know what? These are mine, and I can't deny their sexual function. What you say? That's only because breasts have been sexualized by the media? No, breasts have a sexual function, and they also have a feeding function. I am not interested in being a cow, and I am not particularly interested in feeling as if my breast are no longer used for what I want them to be used for. The idea of breastfeeding is not appealling. Why am I so obsessed with this right now? Because of the breast brigade, I say. Have you ever looked up bottlefeeding on the internet, or anything that is not spouting the benefits of breastfeeding? Guess what? You end up with pages and pages about how breastfeeding is best. What I hate about breastfeeding advocacy (and there are many things) is that they imagine me to be misinformed. No, I know the benefits. I also know that there are many scientific studies disputing the idea that your baby will be smarter and healthier because of breastfeeding. I won't go into them now, but suffice it to say, there are issues with the studies. I also don't like how these advocacy groups tell me what to do with my body, and how. Go fuck yourselves. Comparing me not breastfeeding to riding a mechanical bull while pregnant is not valid - yes, that is a real ad. "babies are meant to be breastfed" is the new ad. Well, maybe my breasts are not meant to be udders. It is not what I want.

Studies show that women who choose not to breastfeed do so despite their knowledge of the benefits of breastfeeding. What does that mean? It means that there are other reasons that they aren't doing so. A lot of them relate to the idea that women want to work, and breastfeeding is not always compatible with that. Fine, that's just fine, and women should have the right to pump and feed at work. 'Nuff said. Another idea is that women don't want to breastfeed if they have been sexually assaulted. Very understandable - so when these assholes tell women that they have to breastfeed, they don't understand how frightening and damaging it can be. Bottomline, unhappy mom, unhappy baby. Another issue - body issues - which woman does not have them? I have a real issue with this charge simply for that reason, which woman who has gained a lot of weight during pregnancy, has just grown giant breasts which are leaking, and has had something violently burst from her vagina (and oh, don't tell me that it is gentle and beautiful, it is painful and difficult, that's why they call it labour!) doesn't have issues with her body. Again, the breasts are now the baby's. This is what the breastfeeding advocates have us belief - the breast is now meant for the baby, screw any other ideas you have about it, do it regardless of your feelings. This is incredibly patronizing.

Some breastfeeding hippie types will tell me that I don't understand the beautiful, natural nature of breastfeeding. Some have even gone as far as telling me that I shouldn't have children (yup, fuck you). I'm not a prude, not at all. I am a feminist and see this as a feminist issue. When rights to choose what I want to do with my body are taken away, I take offense. When you smugly tell me what my breasts are made for, I take offense. When you expect me to change my life and identity when I decide to become a mother, it annoys me. When you act as if I am doing something morally wrong if I choose to feed my baby perfectly healthy formula, I want you to mind your own goddamned business.

Recently, I have come to the knowledge that my future father-in-law (no I am not engaged, but I imagine I will be married one day to this guy laying in bed beside me) was talking smack about a woman who could not manage with breastfeeding, couldn't manage the pain, irritation or gross-out factor. Apparently, he said she should keep trying, that she shouldn't stop until it works, that people stop too early. This from a man who calls breastfeeding "moo" and who believed that it was fine that his son was breastfed up until 2 years old - gross. He's a hippie, I'll forgive some of it. However, I am baffled by the fact that men think they can dictate what women do with their children. Yes, they are men's children too, but unless men start carrying these infants, they have the right to stay quiet! What bugs me more is that women are berating women for not breastfeeding. Why would we do this to one another? Why not support each other in the ways we can - give information, give help with breastfeeding, but also be understanding of discomfort and choice. What is wrong with that? All in all, I think it is yet another effort to reclaim the body and the woman. These are attempts to control and regulate. Again and again. And it makes me sick.

Frankly, I think that women should choose. They should know the benefits, but not be told by the lactation specialists that it is easy if you do it right. Breastfeeding can take too much time, and leave the mother frustrated. I don't care how joyful and bonding breastfeeding can feel, if it takes hours, it takes away from one's autonomy. This points to another issue - the ideal of the good mother - the good mother is supposedly one who puts everything (especially her own feelings) aside for a child. No longer is a woman her own person, she is now responsible to do exactly what the lactation experts feel a woman should do for the health of the baby. Are these lactation experts not aware of the fact that many women aren't great at breastfeeding, or that it hurts? Do they not understand that historically, people had wetnurses, and did not do all their own breastfeeding because they didn't want to, or weren't able to? Often, it is espoused that breastfeeding has always been, and has always been natural. That simply isn't true. Until these breastfeeding nazis decide to whip out their tits to feed my kid, they can go fuck themselves.

ciao

Classes are over, and that makes me excited and sad at the same time. I have some essays to write, and I am not looking forward to that. Actually, to be honest, I am almost finished my first essay - it is the second one that worries me. Not interested in working on it at all!

I went to my first hockey game today - McGill at Concordia. We went to watch Stacey assistant coach. I didn't get to see her in action, but the game was fun. Get this - I went with a new FRIEND!! Yes, a friend I made myself. This is quite astounding. I quite like her, she is a nerd like me, and likes to stay at home and read theory and think about feminism. I hope we become good friends!

I also went to two bikram classes this week. Remember how I did Bikram in E-town? Well, this was hell of hell of hell. It was 113 degrees. What the hell? that's about 10 degrees too hot. fuck you yogi dude. He really was a bit of an ass. Oh yeah, and I had to lay down almost the whole time. fuck. then it happened in the second class. there was a hot blast of air hitting my fingers whenever I put them over my head. hell. I could feel my fingernail burning. It was also not humid enough. In Edmonton, we had kettles putting hot, humid air into the room. I was also so hot that I wasn't sweating. It was too difficult to even lay on my back. I had to lay on my stomach, and it took all I could to prevent myself from curling into fetal position.

Anyways...that's my life right now. I also watched this film Earthlings on youtube that makes me never want to eat meat again. Yes, it was complete propaganda, but it was still fucking horrifying. I dislike the comparison of eating meat to racism, the holocaust and other shit, but I still think it showed me a lot about animal cruelty that I just can't stomach (pardon the pun).

Here's something to make you laugh a lot

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=cUEkOVdUjHc

I have essays in two classes due next week on the theories of the ladies listed above. They are pretty fascinating. Shulamith Firestone is a radical feminist/marxist who calls giving birth "barbaric" and like "shitting a pumpkin". haha. she advocates for reproductive technology to create an androgynous society and to take away that initial division of labour that is so damaging. She talks about women seizing the means of REproduction. Really interesting argument. Pretty flawed, but really important, and fun!

Chodorow also discusses mothering, but asks why women want to mother. It's a great one too. I am actually enjoying writing them. Did I mention I love feminist theory?

Anyways...working on essays and a presentation. Thinking about my statement of research interests (thinking, but not getting much done). I have to get that done very quickly. I need to send it off in an email to my professors so they can write me fabulous letters. I hope they write me fabulous letters!

Must get back to writing.

Love,
moi

Yes, the above, I want to see this movie. Sean is uninterested. Maybe I will have to go alone or with Krystin or with a group of five year olds. I don't know any five year olds, but I am sure I could somehow get in with a group of them. Maybe I could bribe them with candy.

Is it November already? Sean and I have been here 2 whole months. I don't miss Edmonton at all. I am quite happy here. I miss a select few and my old job, but mostly, I am content.

I am going to watch Curb on the net. I love Curb Your Enthusiasm. It's basically my favourite show in the world. Simple pleasures - that is what television is.

My neck is hurting less - yes, my neck always hurts. I always sleep on it funny. Lately, sleeping has been less painful.

Miles, as you know, is a fatty. He is lovely, but I would like to get him into fighting condition. I am trying to get his teeth nice, and i would like to get him into good physical condition as well. Sean reckons I give him way too much dog food. I just don't want him to be hungry, and if he wants more, I just give him more. This is probably not the best strategy. So, from now on, better food portions for M, and a little more exercise. I think the food should do it, because we are walking daily. Short walks, but everyday, sometimes twice daily. I would like him to live a long life, so I should be less indulgent. Being indulgent isn't being kind, it's wrong. I should take this advice for myself too. Being self-indulgent isn't great.

I have some new things. New clothes - I think I mentioned that in the last post. I also got new boots and a new coat. Sometimes spending money making yourself feel pretty is well worth the expense.

Here's to a great weekend, and terrific November. No snow yet, but it is getting cold. Wish us luck.

Hello,

Nothing is particularly new. I wish I were ahead of my reading, but I'm not. I wish I had my essays started, but I don't. Oh well. As of late, my main hobbies have included snacking and making gas. Yes! I am awesome!

I planned to go to the gym the other day, or even today, but it didn't happen. I am catching up on sleep, and I think that is a good plan.

Oh, and I got a couple new outfits the other day. How wonderful! I am very pleased about this. My next plan is to buy some boots, and possibly some other cute shoes.

Have I mentioned that we have a new couch? Can't remember if I have talked about the beautiful red beast yet. It is terrific!

Today, I am reading Starring Sally J Freedman as Herself. This is one of my all time faves. I read it when I was about 9. Sally is a very imaginative girl living in post WW2 Florida. She's Jewish, and obsessed with concentration camps, Hitler, etc. However, it is a Judy Bloom book, so it's not so much disturbing as it is an amusing quirk. She has a lot of imaginative story sections in which she is capturing Hitler, playing a movie star, and other permutations of these two main themes. She's just my kind of girl.

I better go. I have a long evening of producing gas ahead of me. Going to a performance piece tonight - wish me luck!

I think this is procrastination, but I just wanted to post that I am working hard on stuff, and floating above the water. Not sure if I am overwhelmed, or if I should be, but I am in the midst of reading, revising, writing, and thinking (I hope), and it is okay.

It just goes to show how important it is for me to be busy to be happy.

Getting over the cold, but as per usual, am hacking all night because of the asthma. My asthma makes my illness about a week longer than it should be. Pain in my lung!

Anyways...not much else to say. Cross your fingers for me.

last weekend was a bit of a gong show. had the whole crew over. all in all, exhausting. no offense to my friends; it was lovely, but exhausting. as a result, i am now sick. yuck. the sickness has migrated to my lungs, where it usually does in the third day of a cold, and leaves me hacking, sore, and sleepless. actually, last night i had a good sleep, but spent the early part of the morning hacking up infected lung bits. delicious.

i am at the end of my first draft of my sshrc proposal. i am getting a professor to read it, and i need to get it in to her tomorrow. i hope to get it to her today, and get started on the rest of the week's homework. hopefully the revision process doesn't kill me. i hope she thinks it is relatively fine to begin with. (crossing my fingers.) the proposal has taken a lot out of me. i agonize over sentences and am often thrown back to the beginning, wondering what the hell i am talking about, and why it is that it is important. maybe that is good. maybe it means i am being clear. maybe it is just a confusing topic that is difficult to make clear. i hope the committee enjoys it, thinks i am smart, and decides to recommend me.

occassionally, i feel invincible, good, excellent, smart - how could they not love me? (strange use of the word love, I know) In these moments, i can write two or three meaningful sentences in a row. This feels like a breakthrough! the truth is that writing well is difficult. anyone who says it is easy is lying. writing a blog is fucking easy. just type out the verbal diarrhea, and that's that. i guess a blog is easy, so that makes writing easy. no judgement that i hear about, so all is fine. i am left in tact.

did i mention this little bit of agony in my life is only two pages single spaced? this is hilarious.

wish me luck with my cough and my proposal.

okay, so feeling a little better the last couple of days. just relaxing and doing a lot of nothing. cooking lentils and chickpeas and trying not to get myself down for not having enough done.

dancing in my head a lot lately. wishing i were dancing more in real life, but i can't really do all those amazing tricks that i am so good at doing in my head! training, you say? maybe, but i just can't pull myself away from the reading i should be doing.

what do you think of all my lowercase i's? cute, eh?

i am wearing my favourite yellow shirt today, but my big boobs get in the way. i will have to get these lifted one day. really. they are just too much. today i watched a plastic surgery program on discovery health (my favourite new channel) and they did a reducation on a woman with triple I cup breasts. it was ridiculous. the pair of them were the size of 4 or 5 of her heads. and get this(!!!!) the husband didn't want her to get them reduced. he was a "boob man". this woman had a variety of health problems because of her huge breasts, but he still wanted her to stay the same. i guess it's nice that he likes her as she is.

anyways...off to finish listening to prince and to go to sleep.

I hope to have a good week.

oh, I have listed my mood as indescribable because while I would not characterize it as good, I feel some hope. Still, I am plagued with worries, yet I am somewhat calm at the moment. Who the fuck knows? Indescribable it is.

I wrote basically the same entry on May 25.

This time I am more depressed though, can you tell? This must be tiring to read. It is certainly tiring to be like this. Do I have power to change how I think and feel? I don't know.

I am not sure how I fit in the world. This may be silly, or maybe it is an essential part of the human experience, I really don't know. In any case, it is horrifying. I look to all these people in my life who seem to have a some kind of life put together, and I feel like a hopeless wreck. I am not sure where I am going, on what trajectory, or for what purpose. Perhaps I should be medicated.

I often wonder whether or not I should try prescription drugs. I claim that I want to be happy, but I am suspicious of these things that are supposed to make me happy, and wish for something authentic, or in the least, organic. Some sort of process of knowing myself must turn into happiness at some point, right? I don't think I believe in knowing oneself, and I almost don't believe in real happiness. Maybe it's all a lie? Do people pretend to be happy because that is what they think people want?

Perhaps (haha) I think too much to be happy? Wait, I don't think I am that much of a thinker though, especially lately. I think this is where some of the recent unhappiness is coming from. I am totally doubting my ability to even form a coherent sentence. I don't know if I can write at all. Moreover, I don't know if I am can write anything that is important or valid. I don't know if I have the capacity to think which is required of people who think and write for a living. Apparently, I would like to continue my studies, but, what if I am horribly stupid?

On top of this, I also know that a requirement of succeeding in this life is believing in one's ability to overcome and to succeed. I think I can overcome, but I am not sure about the success part, or about believing in my ability to do anything. I know enough to know that this debilitating doubt hurts my chances at being a real human with a real life. Yet, I still fucking keep doubting. I try not to, but I just can't at the moment. Am I supposed to fake it until I get there? Perhaps I am simply not good enough. Surely, there are people who aren't good enough to do things, so it is a possibility. It is entirely possible that I will not meet my goals, and not go forth as planned.

That scares me most. What about the future? Part of me knows that I should just get on with it, take some yoga, deal with myself, and come to some sort of peace. How the fuck do I do this? How do I come to like the person that I somewhat loathe? How do I get over that when I am so far away from believing that I have something interesting and important to contribute to the world.

I worry about my ability to get along in the world, on a normal level. No, I am not a complete social misfit, but I do have my quirks. Sometimes it takes great effort just to do the things that other people do without any thought. I panic over whether or not I will get through it, or if I will be able to put one foot in front of the other. And what if Sean were not here to tell me to put one foot in front of the other?

And why am I feeling sorry for myself. This is what I hate most about myself. I have so much, yet I have a hard time being grateful, and spend most of the day worrying about nothing. I rarely have a moment of just being. Mom gives me zen books, and I read them, but can't apply them. I feel like I am too close to panic at all moments to actually do something. Fuck, I can't even read a book without the panic of wanting to be on the next page already.

I just want to be so far ahead. Mostly, I guess I just feel behind. Behind on what exactly? I don't know, just a sense of being behind.

And that is how I feel at almost 2 in the morning. Actually, this is how I have felt all week, and for some of the days the week before, and for many months of the previous year, and for the majority of my life.

Why can't I just get over it? Should I just be medicated and be done with it?

hey kids,

so, we are here, and I am already behind on school work. yes, I am sort of in some classes, which I find quite hilarious. I just can't get out of school, can I? Well, I don't at all want to be out of school.

Today was a bit of a snowday for me. It is almost 4 oclock and I haven't even gotten out of my pjs yet. Hahah! No shower, just aimless internet-ing. What a waste. Well, I did get to doing some emailing to profs that I would like to get reference letters out of. I hope that I get in, because it would be embarassing to not get in at all. That would be humiliating. Well, I have to learn already to not be embarassed, and to visualize success. I think I need one of those sports psychologists. Yes, that is the answer!!!

Miles, Sean, and I are doing relatively well. We still need to get essentials like a couch and chests of drawers, but that will all happen in time. In the mean time, time is just passing by too fast, and in some ways, not fast enough. Too fast to get the requisite readngs done, far too long to get these three years done with. I need my crystal ball so I can believe that things will work out okay in the end, and that I can just relax in the meantime.

Anyways, things are okay. Yeah, I go through periods of being a complete nervous wreck, but I am at least learning to just live in the house and be okay with it. I really love the house. I think it is great. New, and nothing to worry about. The neighbourhood leaves a couple of things to be desired, however, I will say that it has character, and we are right beside a beautiful community garden (and also by a railway, but who's counting, really?).

Sean seems to be doing very well, and I am realizing how good he had to be to actually get here. There were 90 applicants for painting, and only 6 got in. Wow! First, I thought, what good fortune, and then, what great work Sean! He really deserves this. I am glad that he is as good as I think he is. And, I am secretly proud of my ability to pick such a great guy. How can I possibly be so lucky? And so handsome and good at growing a beard too!

Life is going on again. Sando, Jeremy, and Sean doing their master's. Nick. Mandy, Jodie and Jill working hard. Krystin and I hanging her in Montreal (not yet, in October). Murray doing something in Victoria, and likely doing it in an amazingly fun way. It all reminds me about how quickly time passes. I don't mean to be all mushy about it, but we have come so far since high school, and it all just seems like a couple of days ago, and I feel like a kid. And so many changes too. Lots of sickness of both parents and grandparents. It's all very strange to me. I don't see my parents getting older, but they nonetheless are. One day, in 15 years in fact, we'll be 40, and that seems so strange. I wonder if I will still be trying to figure out what it is I want.

Anyways...I wish us all the best, because this year is just going to fly by, as are the next 15, 20, 30. I know it's morbid, but I wonder which of us will go first. Won't that be awful? I don't mean to be depressing, because I am certainly not depressed - today, that is - but one of us has to be first. Will I be first by virtue of mentioning it in the blogs first? Would it be better to be first or last?

Not sure at all.

So, we only have to wait 8 more days until the big move. I can't wait. I really can't. In between trying to figure out how to send boxes, get the most quality time with friends and family, and get the house stuff all in order, the time has just passed by so quickly.

The condo sold within 10 days, and we had to get out on the 27th of July. That means that S and I have been living with our parents. This has been less than ideal, but we are grateful for their charity. The good news is that we have gotten all the paper work for the condo completely out of the way, and we get to live for free for the month of August. As you may know, I am a cheap-ass, and this delights me to no end. I am now waiting around for papers from Quebec to get to my lawyer and banker here, and I am hoping that things will go smoothly.

In the meantime, I am at my parents' house trying to chill out and relax.

The goodbye stuff has been less than satisfying. I really don't want to do it at all. The goodbye party was a bit of a bust. Mostly boring, and disappointing. Not anyone's fault, just not as epic as I hoped. (And no surprise birthday party either - I really wonder if I will ever get one - it looks unlikely). Mostly, I just realize that there are very few people that I want to hang out with. Most acquaintances aren't worth keeping.

Oh, did I mention I dropped out of the French class? Yeah, I figured that out after 2 hours! Too hard. Too hard. What can a gal do?

In other news, I am trying to get into courses in Montreal. We'll see what happens with that!

time is just flying by. things are going quickly, and if everything goes right this week, it will go by even more quickly! Don't want to say too much as to jinx things, but hopefully, things will work out okay.

Starting French next week. very, very nervous about that.

Bought appliances the other day. Funny story.

Jill and Dawn are home. Hooray!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

mostly, I just wanted to post these two links...if you have about 10 minutes, you must watch them. The crayon making one is from Sesame Street, and I remember being fascinated by it as a child. I have been looking for it for a really long time. Love the music.

The other one is Elephants on Parade from Dumbo. Seriously, it is more awesome than I ever recall. This one should make you go, oh yeah, I totally remember that!!! It is genius. Almost every second of it is genius.

crayons

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMU-wXsgyR8

dumbo and mouse get drunk and hallucinate

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KcAq8qLlYQ

hey...so, we are reaching the last two months of our time in Edmonton. A little sad, but mostly happy.

Anyways, we went to Solstice at C and K's farm this past weekend and it was amazing!

Just wanted to check in. The place is for sale, and I hope it goes relatively quickly. I just want something to be done! It would be so nice to just not have anything to worry about.

Did I mention that I am taking intermediate French at the university in less than two weeks? This means that I am shitting my pants! I am so nervous. Oh well.

will update when something more interesting happens.

white stripes this weekend! hooray!

I suppose I should have written NS for new spectacles because that seems to be the pattern.

Last night, I got my new spectacles. Fabulous. Dior. I don't know why that matters - it doesn't - but it does mean that I got a very fancy new case. Very nice. I can already see a difference in the way I see. Guess what? Same prescription, so it must be that these on my face better, and that the prescription is centered properly. Hooray. Katie calls the colour plum. They are somewhat translucent, but are totally awesome!

Canada's Next Top Model and So You Think You Can Dance were on last night, and it was very exciting. Not sure who I like on So You Think You Can Dance yet. It is very weird that they have new faces to go with the usual music. So many talented dancers. Interesting that they criticized the one boy for doing too many tricks. I think they were right. I quite enjoyed the girl in the ease on down the road number.

Canada's Next Top Model has been interesting. I think my favourite is Sinead. I can understand why Tia is on the show, but to me, she needs to learn to hold her face together and not get slack-jawed. I kind of like Tara as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The dance show went well this weekend; they were very sad about us leaving and it was quite touching. I will miss it lots.

So we just got back, and I can't wait to move. Okay, I can wait because I really, really want to see my friends a lot, and will probably cry for the first month that we are in our new place. Still, Montreal is the most beautiful city ever. I am in love with it. Dare I say that it is even more amazing than Vancouver? Yes, yes, it is.

We have our place lined up, and it is going to be awesome. We get possession August 31, so that is cutting it pretty close, but that's what we have to do because the place is so great.

What an adventure!

We saw Nick, Jody, and Anders there, and we had so much fun. The best thing is that the metro system is really easy to use, and efficient, so I will no longer have a car.

The french language? Oh well. It was actually pretty exciting to hear, and speak (I think I said about 10 french words total, but hey, it takes time).

I mostly can't wait for people to come visit us.

Sean and I have already planned to have a party in the first month or two so we can make friends with the people in his program.

I am going to take french when I get there. I wonder if I will be able to get a job? Oh well. It will happen eventually. I hope the relaxed Montreal vibe will rub off on me. I really need it.

I have to believe in the power of positive thinking. I am going to get some new frames today.

okay, so apparently my mood changes are very quick and severe. I am feeling overwhelmingly positive today. The last two days have actually been quite good. I have come to terms with the fact that I need to learn French, and that this is going to be an adventure. The parents were immigrants, now it's my turn.

I am really very fortunate, I have delightful friends, and my wonderful guy is brilliant and talented. That's enough. I have to work hard at things if I want them. 'Tis my new mantra. Things that are worth it are hard work.

Anyways...I have been sulking less, and have soaked up some sun whilst going for walks with mon petit chein. Il est super handsome.

So, I am sure there will be a lot more ups and downs. Hopefully fewer downs in the coming months. I just hope I can remember that things get a bit better. Overall, life is good for me, and I should remember that.

Talk to you soon. I hope our buying trip goes well. I hope the selling goes even better.

K

Hey,

The last couple of days have been kind of hard for me. I am having my every other month crisis - this usually means that I am totally depressed/wishing I were dead because I don't know what the fuck I am going to do with my life, and I am terrified of becoming an adult. I am convinced that I don't have what it takes to get into grad school. The letter of intent seems to be completely beyond me. I want to take classes as an open student to write an essay that can act as a writing sample and figure out what the fuck I want to study in school, but feel as if it would be impossible for me to get into the classes that I would like to take. If I don't take class, I will be 1)suicidally depressed 2) looking for a job in montreal, which will make me suicidally depressed, 3) bored, which will make me suicidally depressed.

I got my friend E to send me all of her statements of intent/research interests, and it seems to be very specific. This terrifies me. What I want to write is: I want to fuck around and read some books, and then maybe write something about it. I would like to talk to some professors about what I think, and then we can decide what I should study and what I should write about.

Every year, without fail, I say the statement, I am only x years old, how the hell am I supposed to know what I want to do with my life? Well, x keeps getting larger, but there is no certainty about what I want to do with my life. This is scary, frustrating, and depressing. Maybe I could float around in the job scene for a while, but this seems to be less possible without French. Fuck. Why didn't I pay more attention in French class?

My greatest fear is to end up a housewife. I am terrible when without a project. I get...well, like this. I am paralyzed, and unable to function properly. I need school. Dad says that I should think about what I would want to do after a masters. He has a point. Am I just avoiding the inevitable?

On top of this, I am worried that the 3 years in Montreal will be a waste of my time. Although it will be terrific for S, I worry that I will do nothing, have a series of menial jobs, and end up lonely, depressed, and meaningless. Why do I strive for meaning so much? Why do I want to be special? I want things to click. I want to feel happy in some form of work. Perhaps I will never be happy.

I don't really know who I am. I don't really think that I believe in knowing oneself, but that is beyond the point. I have no real interests beyond school, and fucking around on the internet. I like books, yeah, but what else.

I feel like a big nothing.

Does everyone feel like this, and just pretend they don't, or am I alone in this? What is the point of life at all?

Here's the other thing: I am completely pessimistic, but also self-aware enough to get that this pessimism is limiting.

At this point, I am not sure if anything will make me happy. I love school because it means that I am busy, and that I have assignments.

I have so many things. I have enough money, great boyfriend, great friends, lovely dog, but I feel somewhat empty. I don't know if this is simply a personality flaw, or real depression, but I have always been like this. I have so much, but there is something inexplicable that I want and need. I don't know what it is, and I don't know what I am missing. I just feel like something is missing.

I think I should start working out. I am also a fatty. This makes me unhappy.

I think that if I lose weight, I will be happy, but I know I won't be happy. I know I won't magically like myself.

So, what's missing? Purpose? Jesus? A hobby? Millions of dollars? bigger hair? I don't know.

It was a tough week on everyone, and certainly a very difficult couple of months for the family. There is nothing that can be said to make any of this easier, or to justify it in some cosmic way. Just plain sad, devastating actually.

It was great to see everyone, and to see how our group has rallied around our friend. I don't think very many people have a group of friends like this. I am proud and thankful.

I slept a lot yesterday. Still pretty confused. Not sure how it is possible, or what it means for someone to not be here anymore. It is a concept I can not particularly grasp. It's life, I suppose. I am sure that time will not change this, but it might make the concept something that I can get used to. Fuck: that's what I keep saying to myself.

~~~~~~~~~

Sean and I have tickets booked to go to Montreal at the end of the month. Tres awesome. Tres scary.

Sean is trying to clean right now, and I am on the internet. I think I might be a terrible girlfriend. Oh well. He doesn't seem to be complaining. I better do something really great in the next couple of days to remind him of how lucky he is to have me...my mind is blank. seriously.

Trying to get ass into gear with exercise, and diet and such. Me and Miles have gained weight. Miles went to the vet today and he is a bit of a fatty. Whoops. Bad mom! I have gained probably 5-8 lbs since xmas (sausage).

must go be normal human right now (disconnect from internet)

k