No, no, no, I am not pregnant. However, I am sick of breastfeeding nazis and their propoganda, and I am especially sick of men who think they have a say in whether or not women should breastfeed. I am also sick of people constructing women who do not want to breastfeed as evil (yes, I am looking at you breastfeeding advocacy groups).

Listen, my breasts are my own. Yes, that is selfish, perhaps. But you know what? These are mine, and I can't deny their sexual function. What you say? That's only because breasts have been sexualized by the media? No, breasts have a sexual function, and they also have a feeding function. I am not interested in being a cow, and I am not particularly interested in feeling as if my breast are no longer used for what I want them to be used for. The idea of breastfeeding is not appealling. Why am I so obsessed with this right now? Because of the breast brigade, I say. Have you ever looked up bottlefeeding on the internet, or anything that is not spouting the benefits of breastfeeding? Guess what? You end up with pages and pages about how breastfeeding is best. What I hate about breastfeeding advocacy (and there are many things) is that they imagine me to be misinformed. No, I know the benefits. I also know that there are many scientific studies disputing the idea that your baby will be smarter and healthier because of breastfeeding. I won't go into them now, but suffice it to say, there are issues with the studies. I also don't like how these advocacy groups tell me what to do with my body, and how. Go fuck yourselves. Comparing me not breastfeeding to riding a mechanical bull while pregnant is not valid - yes, that is a real ad. "babies are meant to be breastfed" is the new ad. Well, maybe my breasts are not meant to be udders. It is not what I want.

Studies show that women who choose not to breastfeed do so despite their knowledge of the benefits of breastfeeding. What does that mean? It means that there are other reasons that they aren't doing so. A lot of them relate to the idea that women want to work, and breastfeeding is not always compatible with that. Fine, that's just fine, and women should have the right to pump and feed at work. 'Nuff said. Another idea is that women don't want to breastfeed if they have been sexually assaulted. Very understandable - so when these assholes tell women that they have to breastfeed, they don't understand how frightening and damaging it can be. Bottomline, unhappy mom, unhappy baby. Another issue - body issues - which woman does not have them? I have a real issue with this charge simply for that reason, which woman who has gained a lot of weight during pregnancy, has just grown giant breasts which are leaking, and has had something violently burst from her vagina (and oh, don't tell me that it is gentle and beautiful, it is painful and difficult, that's why they call it labour!) doesn't have issues with her body. Again, the breasts are now the baby's. This is what the breastfeeding advocates have us belief - the breast is now meant for the baby, screw any other ideas you have about it, do it regardless of your feelings. This is incredibly patronizing.

Some breastfeeding hippie types will tell me that I don't understand the beautiful, natural nature of breastfeeding. Some have even gone as far as telling me that I shouldn't have children (yup, fuck you). I'm not a prude, not at all. I am a feminist and see this as a feminist issue. When rights to choose what I want to do with my body are taken away, I take offense. When you smugly tell me what my breasts are made for, I take offense. When you expect me to change my life and identity when I decide to become a mother, it annoys me. When you act as if I am doing something morally wrong if I choose to feed my baby perfectly healthy formula, I want you to mind your own goddamned business.

Recently, I have come to the knowledge that my future father-in-law (no I am not engaged, but I imagine I will be married one day to this guy laying in bed beside me) was talking smack about a woman who could not manage with breastfeeding, couldn't manage the pain, irritation or gross-out factor. Apparently, he said she should keep trying, that she shouldn't stop until it works, that people stop too early. This from a man who calls breastfeeding "moo" and who believed that it was fine that his son was breastfed up until 2 years old - gross. He's a hippie, I'll forgive some of it. However, I am baffled by the fact that men think they can dictate what women do with their children. Yes, they are men's children too, but unless men start carrying these infants, they have the right to stay quiet! What bugs me more is that women are berating women for not breastfeeding. Why would we do this to one another? Why not support each other in the ways we can - give information, give help with breastfeeding, but also be understanding of discomfort and choice. What is wrong with that? All in all, I think it is yet another effort to reclaim the body and the woman. These are attempts to control and regulate. Again and again. And it makes me sick.

Frankly, I think that women should choose. They should know the benefits, but not be told by the lactation specialists that it is easy if you do it right. Breastfeeding can take too much time, and leave the mother frustrated. I don't care how joyful and bonding breastfeeding can feel, if it takes hours, it takes away from one's autonomy. This points to another issue - the ideal of the good mother - the good mother is supposedly one who puts everything (especially her own feelings) aside for a child. No longer is a woman her own person, she is now responsible to do exactly what the lactation experts feel a woman should do for the health of the baby. Are these lactation experts not aware of the fact that many women aren't great at breastfeeding, or that it hurts? Do they not understand that historically, people had wetnurses, and did not do all their own breastfeeding because they didn't want to, or weren't able to? Often, it is espoused that breastfeeding has always been, and has always been natural. That simply isn't true. Until these breastfeeding nazis decide to whip out their tits to feed my kid, they can go fuck themselves.

ciao

Classes are over, and that makes me excited and sad at the same time. I have some essays to write, and I am not looking forward to that. Actually, to be honest, I am almost finished my first essay - it is the second one that worries me. Not interested in working on it at all!

I went to my first hockey game today - McGill at Concordia. We went to watch Stacey assistant coach. I didn't get to see her in action, but the game was fun. Get this - I went with a new FRIEND!! Yes, a friend I made myself. This is quite astounding. I quite like her, she is a nerd like me, and likes to stay at home and read theory and think about feminism. I hope we become good friends!

I also went to two bikram classes this week. Remember how I did Bikram in E-town? Well, this was hell of hell of hell. It was 113 degrees. What the hell? that's about 10 degrees too hot. fuck you yogi dude. He really was a bit of an ass. Oh yeah, and I had to lay down almost the whole time. fuck. then it happened in the second class. there was a hot blast of air hitting my fingers whenever I put them over my head. hell. I could feel my fingernail burning. It was also not humid enough. In Edmonton, we had kettles putting hot, humid air into the room. I was also so hot that I wasn't sweating. It was too difficult to even lay on my back. I had to lay on my stomach, and it took all I could to prevent myself from curling into fetal position.

Anyways...that's my life right now. I also watched this film Earthlings on youtube that makes me never want to eat meat again. Yes, it was complete propaganda, but it was still fucking horrifying. I dislike the comparison of eating meat to racism, the holocaust and other shit, but I still think it showed me a lot about animal cruelty that I just can't stomach (pardon the pun).

Here's something to make you laugh a lot

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=cUEkOVdUjHc

I have essays in two classes due next week on the theories of the ladies listed above. They are pretty fascinating. Shulamith Firestone is a radical feminist/marxist who calls giving birth "barbaric" and like "shitting a pumpkin". haha. she advocates for reproductive technology to create an androgynous society and to take away that initial division of labour that is so damaging. She talks about women seizing the means of REproduction. Really interesting argument. Pretty flawed, but really important, and fun!

Chodorow also discusses mothering, but asks why women want to mother. It's a great one too. I am actually enjoying writing them. Did I mention I love feminist theory?

Anyways...working on essays and a presentation. Thinking about my statement of research interests (thinking, but not getting much done). I have to get that done very quickly. I need to send it off in an email to my professors so they can write me fabulous letters. I hope they write me fabulous letters!

Must get back to writing.

Love,
moi

Yes, the above, I want to see this movie. Sean is uninterested. Maybe I will have to go alone or with Krystin or with a group of five year olds. I don't know any five year olds, but I am sure I could somehow get in with a group of them. Maybe I could bribe them with candy.

Is it November already? Sean and I have been here 2 whole months. I don't miss Edmonton at all. I am quite happy here. I miss a select few and my old job, but mostly, I am content.

I am going to watch Curb on the net. I love Curb Your Enthusiasm. It's basically my favourite show in the world. Simple pleasures - that is what television is.

My neck is hurting less - yes, my neck always hurts. I always sleep on it funny. Lately, sleeping has been less painful.

Miles, as you know, is a fatty. He is lovely, but I would like to get him into fighting condition. I am trying to get his teeth nice, and i would like to get him into good physical condition as well. Sean reckons I give him way too much dog food. I just don't want him to be hungry, and if he wants more, I just give him more. This is probably not the best strategy. So, from now on, better food portions for M, and a little more exercise. I think the food should do it, because we are walking daily. Short walks, but everyday, sometimes twice daily. I would like him to live a long life, so I should be less indulgent. Being indulgent isn't being kind, it's wrong. I should take this advice for myself too. Being self-indulgent isn't great.

I have some new things. New clothes - I think I mentioned that in the last post. I also got new boots and a new coat. Sometimes spending money making yourself feel pretty is well worth the expense.

Here's to a great weekend, and terrific November. No snow yet, but it is getting cold. Wish us luck.

Hello,

Nothing is particularly new. I wish I were ahead of my reading, but I'm not. I wish I had my essays started, but I don't. Oh well. As of late, my main hobbies have included snacking and making gas. Yes! I am awesome!

I planned to go to the gym the other day, or even today, but it didn't happen. I am catching up on sleep, and I think that is a good plan.

Oh, and I got a couple new outfits the other day. How wonderful! I am very pleased about this. My next plan is to buy some boots, and possibly some other cute shoes.

Have I mentioned that we have a new couch? Can't remember if I have talked about the beautiful red beast yet. It is terrific!

Today, I am reading Starring Sally J Freedman as Herself. This is one of my all time faves. I read it when I was about 9. Sally is a very imaginative girl living in post WW2 Florida. She's Jewish, and obsessed with concentration camps, Hitler, etc. However, it is a Judy Bloom book, so it's not so much disturbing as it is an amusing quirk. She has a lot of imaginative story sections in which she is capturing Hitler, playing a movie star, and other permutations of these two main themes. She's just my kind of girl.

I better go. I have a long evening of producing gas ahead of me. Going to a performance piece tonight - wish me luck!

I think this is procrastination, but I just wanted to post that I am working hard on stuff, and floating above the water. Not sure if I am overwhelmed, or if I should be, but I am in the midst of reading, revising, writing, and thinking (I hope), and it is okay.

It just goes to show how important it is for me to be busy to be happy.

Getting over the cold, but as per usual, am hacking all night because of the asthma. My asthma makes my illness about a week longer than it should be. Pain in my lung!

Anyways...not much else to say. Cross your fingers for me.

last weekend was a bit of a gong show. had the whole crew over. all in all, exhausting. no offense to my friends; it was lovely, but exhausting. as a result, i am now sick. yuck. the sickness has migrated to my lungs, where it usually does in the third day of a cold, and leaves me hacking, sore, and sleepless. actually, last night i had a good sleep, but spent the early part of the morning hacking up infected lung bits. delicious.

i am at the end of my first draft of my sshrc proposal. i am getting a professor to read it, and i need to get it in to her tomorrow. i hope to get it to her today, and get started on the rest of the week's homework. hopefully the revision process doesn't kill me. i hope she thinks it is relatively fine to begin with. (crossing my fingers.) the proposal has taken a lot out of me. i agonize over sentences and am often thrown back to the beginning, wondering what the hell i am talking about, and why it is that it is important. maybe that is good. maybe it means i am being clear. maybe it is just a confusing topic that is difficult to make clear. i hope the committee enjoys it, thinks i am smart, and decides to recommend me.

occassionally, i feel invincible, good, excellent, smart - how could they not love me? (strange use of the word love, I know) In these moments, i can write two or three meaningful sentences in a row. This feels like a breakthrough! the truth is that writing well is difficult. anyone who says it is easy is lying. writing a blog is fucking easy. just type out the verbal diarrhea, and that's that. i guess a blog is easy, so that makes writing easy. no judgement that i hear about, so all is fine. i am left in tact.

did i mention this little bit of agony in my life is only two pages single spaced? this is hilarious.

wish me luck with my cough and my proposal.

okay, so feeling a little better the last couple of days. just relaxing and doing a lot of nothing. cooking lentils and chickpeas and trying not to get myself down for not having enough done.

dancing in my head a lot lately. wishing i were dancing more in real life, but i can't really do all those amazing tricks that i am so good at doing in my head! training, you say? maybe, but i just can't pull myself away from the reading i should be doing.

what do you think of all my lowercase i's? cute, eh?

i am wearing my favourite yellow shirt today, but my big boobs get in the way. i will have to get these lifted one day. really. they are just too much. today i watched a plastic surgery program on discovery health (my favourite new channel) and they did a reducation on a woman with triple I cup breasts. it was ridiculous. the pair of them were the size of 4 or 5 of her heads. and get this(!!!!) the husband didn't want her to get them reduced. he was a "boob man". this woman had a variety of health problems because of her huge breasts, but he still wanted her to stay the same. i guess it's nice that he likes her as she is.

anyways...off to finish listening to prince and to go to sleep.

I hope to have a good week.

oh, I have listed my mood as indescribable because while I would not characterize it as good, I feel some hope. Still, I am plagued with worries, yet I am somewhat calm at the moment. Who the fuck knows? Indescribable it is.

I wrote basically the same entry on May 25.

This time I am more depressed though, can you tell? This must be tiring to read. It is certainly tiring to be like this. Do I have power to change how I think and feel? I don't know.